Instagram doesn’t have a shitty filter. Why is that? If we’re honest with ourselves, are we hiding anything when we post in the digital world? Is your life picture perfect or are the broken pieces cropped out? Taking it further why are we so against sharing the ugly parts of life? Is it possible to live an unfiltered life?
I’m guilty of hiding behind a lens and staging scenes. This week I staged a picture of my morning writing ritual and tried to wipe away the smudges on my coffee mug. Why the hell does my coffee mug need to look perfect?
I realize this is a superficial inadequacy, but if I’m honest with myself, there’s a tinge of “I’m not perfect” in that smudge and that in some way I’m flawed. This belief, shared by so many, fuels entire economies, drives countless marketing campaigns and litters the digital landscape of social media.
I can trace my perceived lack back to childhood and one little line with massive consequences, “boys don’t cry, man up.”
In my teen years, those consequences took me through a journey of addiction, depression and three hospitalizations. Then in my early twenties, they would guide me to meditation and yoga. Now in my mid-thirties, I see the seeds of mindfulness that I planted fifteen years ago begin to spring up.
Due to my age, I had the unique privilege to watch the phenomena of social media develop while I navigated trying times.
All of this got me thinking how men relate to their emotions and how media shapes the way men relate to the world. Then I had an experience with my youngest son that drove me deeper into thought.
After moving into our new home, my son Kai was upset. He was having a rough week filled with life’s transitions, and he asked if he could speak to me alone. I said of course. As I sat on the couch, he paced back and forth with his fists clenched. He looked like he was about to explode.
Kai shared some things that were frustrating him and while he talked his eyes were getting more and more watery red. I could feel his frustration as he fought the tears back, it was an experience I knew well from my childhood. So, I asked him to sit with me, and I put my arm around him. “Kai,” I said, “you do know you’re allowed to cry, right?”
This question caught him off guard, and he began explaining to me all the reasons why boys don’t cry. It broke my heart; especially since I try to give my children space to open up emotionally – it’s something I never had growing up.
In fact, my memory took me back to a specific time as a young boy when I was upset and crying. A male figure witnessing this emotional outburst asked if me if I was gay and told me to stop being such a pussy. Boys don’t cry, man up! There was no support.
In staunch defiance of the memory, I brought Kai closer and told him about how I cried just the week before. I said, “crying is good, and sometimes it’s the only way to release what we’re feeling.” He was quiet and sat there with me until it was time to tuck him in for bed.
The next morning I found a small note scribbled in cursive on my desk. It read, “I love you dad – Love Kai.”
Boys, young men, and even adult men are always told to hold back our feelings, to keep it together, to be a reliable provider. What’s worse is that since many of us never had positive male figures to support us, we can’t help each other. There is no time for dealings of the heart – it’s just unmanly.
The idea of “real manliness” is portrayed in a constant feedback loop in media channels like music, movies, social media, and television. You know the stereotypes: bros and dudes both described as a Neanderthal or Suave Superman and always with a dependent woman or women around them.
At the same time, we’re experiencing life, which is messy and reflects the complete opposite of what we’re consuming in the media.
The game of life includes sickness, family, and friends that grow old and die; there is divorce, cancer in kids, gender inequality and useless wars killing countless innocent lives. All you have to do is tune into the news, and you’ll be inundated with these types of stories.
In Buddhism, these stories are what makeup Samsara or the cycle of death and re-birth. In one of Buddha’s most essential teachings, the Four Noble Truths, he begins by saying, “you should know sufferings.”
We can’t continue stuffing away our feelings and buying into the notion that what everyone has is what I need – it will poison our relationships and ultimately ourselves. You can see the poisoning taking place all the time with the continued exploitation and objectification of women, racism and cultural bias and the belief that “my needs” are more important than “your needs.”
We must know sufferings intimately, not in a melancholy sort of way, in a way that fosters personal growth. To know suffering we must experience emotions.
I’m a firm believer that media can be used as a powerful tool for change and expression. However, if we’re not careful, it will continue to lead us down this path of filtering our brokenness when we should be embracing it.
Social media paints a distorted reality, and you can’t fix emotions with a lo-fi filter or by cropping out the messiness. You have to develop the raw, unprocessed image because that’s the only way to break free from the cycle.
At times that raw image will make you want to cry, other times it will make you angry, but there will also be times when a natural image fills your heart with love and joy. These varied emotions need to be experienced and expressed positively.
There are myriad ways to tap into this raw energy like re-connecting with an old passion, exploring the creative arts, getting out into nature or maybe even starting a men’s discussion group. Many past times are lost to the seclusion found in a rich media experience, and that is a significant tragedy.
As adult men, we must set the example and we must show our emotions in a healthy manner, not hide from them. It begins by living from the heart. We, as men, need to re-connect to our heart center and we can do that without giving up our identities as men our giving up our masculinity.
When more men begin living from the heart, I guarantee we’ll see equality and peace for all walks of life. It’s time to put down the filters; they no longer serve us. I challenge you to find ways to live from your heart center, support and lift up your fellow brothers and sisters, and teach our children, by way of example, that living from the heart is possible. Hell, you can even post about it on social media.
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Originally posted on www.charlesminguez.com
Photo credit: geralt on Pixabay